I don’t rest well. Now, I am not talking about the kind of rest I get at night when I lay my head on my pillow. Honestly, I sleep like a champ…sometimes too well to the point that I have a hard time waking up. The kind of rest I am talking about really relates to rest during the day; taking the day one moment at a time. I am constantly on the move; going from one task to the next or if I am doing a task I am thinking about the one I have to do next. Sometimes, I am even thinking five steps ahead in my day.
I know this kind of behavior isn’t healthy. I have learned this hard lesson in more ways than one, and more often than I would like to admit. The truth is, the reason I do not rest well is because of a fear that haunts me constantly and has for a very long time. I fear that at the end of my life, when I stand face to face with Jesus, I am terrified that the words “Well done good and faithful servant” will not be the ones that come out of His mouth to me.
Now, if I can share something even deeper than that…when I was about 20, I took a group of youth girls that were involved in the ministry that I helped to lead to the Revolve Tour. A friend of mine helped me drive a van full of girls to this amazing event. When I walked into arena I got a vision. I got this vision, this nudge in my spirit, this comfort from the Holy Spirit that one day I would stand in front of an arena of women and speak to them, giving them the hope of Jesus. Some may call me crazy, but it was like I could feel the emotions as if I was standing in front of the women in that moment. The feeling was so real, so clear, I felt so alive.
Well, that was 12 years ago, and that vision still hasn’t come to past. Maybe the vision wasn’t from God. Maybe His wish isn’t for me to be in front of an arena of women declaring His name. Some people may even call me conceited or prideful for even wishing for this to come to pass. I may be. However, there was a study I did called “Restless” by Jenni Allen (amazing study by the way, I totally recommend it). She explained how some people would be terrified to be in front of people. So, if you have that desire…then maybe, just maybe God gave you that passion, desire, because that is how He wired you/created you. But, I am still sitting in my home with my family and not in front a crowd of women.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I love my family…absolutely love them. However, for some reason for the past 12 years…I have felt this gaping whole in my spirit…desperate to find out whatever it is that God wants me to do to serve Him the way He created me to. So, where has that left me? Anxious, depressed, tired, a control freak, and utterly miserable even in the midst of having a life where I have everything I could ever ask for.
Just recently I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North called, “Control (Somehow You Want Me).” Friends, it was like a punch in the gut. Here are the lyrics,
Here I am All my intentions All my obsessions I want to lay them all down In Your hands Only Your love is vital Though I'm not entitled Still You call me Your child
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To take my hands off of my life And the way it should go
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To open my hands up And give You control I give You control
I've had plans Shattered and broken Things I have hoped in Fall through my hands You have plans To redeem and restore me You're behind and before me Oh, help me believe
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To take my hands off of my life And the way it should go, oh
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To open my hands up And give You control
Oh, You want me Somehow You want me The King of Heaven wants me So this world has lost it's grip on me
Oh, You want me Somehow You want me The King of Heaven wants me So this world has lost it's grip on me
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To take my hands off of my life And the way it should go, oh
God You don't need me But somehow You want me Oh, how You love me Somehow that frees me To open my hands up And give You control I give You control
Oh, give You control Oh, I want to give You control I give You control
You want me Somehow You want me The King of Heaven wants me So this world has lost it's grip on me
If you look it up on Youtube (https://youtu.be/LzV-zVufYTE) they have a video that the main singer is talking during the song. He says something that rocked my world (as if the lyrics weren’t enough). He says, “God doesn’t call us to be successful, He calls us to be surrendered.” Friends…society tells us that we must be successful to so call “make it”. Some Christians may even make us feel that we must be a best-selling author or a pastor or a famous singer to “make God proud” because we have finally arrived, or we have made Him famous throughout the earth.
Guys, God doesn’t need us. He wants us. He loves us.
Do I believe that He wants us to use our gifts for Him? Absolutely. But more than our gifts He wants us. He wants our hearts. He wants us surrendered. Complete surrender. He doesn’t want us struggling to try to “figure it out” or “makeshift a plan” that we think is the way that our lives should go. When we do this, all we are doing is causing more stress, pain, and suffering on ourselves or even worse, those around us. His timing is EVERYTHING. His timing is perfect.
Do I believe that one day I will be in an arena full of women speaking to them about the goodness of God? I do not know. I feel like I will be; I do believe that vision was from Him. However, instead of freaking out daily on how that will happen or if it will ever happen, I have got to hand over control to Him. In my attempt to control the situation I am MISSING IT! I am missing EVERYTHING right in front of me right NOW!
I am missing the opportunity to encourage my husband after a hard day at work. I am missing the influence I have on the kids in our own home. I am missing the quiet moments that I get to sit down and blog it out for Jesus or write in the next book He has placed on my heart. I am missing the youth that I get to minister to every Wednesday. I am missing the opportunity to minister through photographs or videography every Sunday. God has given me so much RIGHT NOW and all of it is glorious. He is in control…He always has been. All I must do is realize it instead of trying to constantly fool myself and end up feeling miserable.
Are you trying to fool yourself friend?
Take a deep breath, rest in Him, and hand over control!
He wants you!
Not what He can get out of you!
Loosening my grip with you,
Tiffany