They say grief has seven steps…
Denial Anger Bargaining Guilt Depression Acceptance and Hope
Ever since you have been gone, on any given day, I can experience all of these…sometimes all of them in a single hour. I haven’t taken this thing in steps; I have been caught in a tornado of emotions. So much so that it has been hard to think straight. I have been wandering around aimlessly allowing my emotions to carry me to and fro.
However, lately, my storm has settled, but not in a good way. I have been hung up and living in a state of anger. Anger; which makes me want to sit in a quiet room so that normal day-to-day life can’t taunt me anymore or make me want to go on rage runs to try to somehow escape the storm inside. I have just been so angry.
Angry that God didn’t heal you on this earth just one more time. Angry that we didn’t have more time. Angry that the time we did have was sometimes so stressful. Angry that I didn’t make more time to see you. Angry that your last days were lived in so much turmoil. Angry that you weren’t treated better. Angry that there were moments that you doubted how much you were loved by your family. Angry that I wasn’t there to hold your hand when you left this earth. Angry when I want to pick up the phone and call you, but I can’t because you are no longer here. Angry that I have to spend the rest of my days without you.
But if you were here today, sitting beside me right now, you would give me the biggest hug EVER, tell me that you love me, and tell me to let go of all the anger because anger blinds; it blinds me from remembering all the good times we had together, and it will keep me from making memories with those still around me; that life is too beautiful to cloud it with anger.
So, today, I toss all of my anger into the ocean deep where hopefully it never rises to the surface again.
But if it does, I pray that I am never tempted to scoop it up again. But that I am quick to think of all the ways that I am thankful…
Thankful for the love you gave as my mom.
Thankful for every hug, for every word of encouragement you ever gave me, and for all the prayers you prayed over me (for I know I will see them come to fruition throughout the rest of my life).
Thankful for every sand dollar we painted, sunset we watched, shark tooth we found, wave we rode, and dolphin dream we shared.
Thankful for every song we sang, the tears we shed, and the laughter we shared. For every late-night phone call, Steel Magnolias movie moment, and every single shopping trip (my favorite is still the one where we bought $2500 worth of stuff for $200).
Thankful for your strength, for it taught me to be strong.
Thankful for your willingness to always fight for the ones you love, for it taught me to fight for those I love.
Thankful you taught me how to stay strong during impossible situations.
Thankful you were around, long after your first, even your second heart attack.
Thankful you had your people, nurses, holding your hand when you passed, and you weren’t completely alone.
Thankful I was able to say goodbye even though it wasn’t the way that I wanted it to happen.
However mostly, I am thankful that you knew Jesus. I am thankful that you are no longer suffering mentally or physically. I am thankful that you are happy, healthy, and whole; which is all I ever wanted for you.
I am so thankful that my goodbye wasn’t goodbye but see you later.
I am thankful that one day, I will see you again.
Mom, I love you! And no matter where I am, no matter where I go…I will be thankful for you, and I will carry you with me all the days of my life.